Cynthia was a quiet, shy, farm girl. As a young child she was left to barnyard adventures with her four sisters, playing outside for hours on end. In her innocents she would chase after her sisters as they leapt from hay bale to hay bale and courageously took turns swinging from the barn rope. A day inside often meant pretending to be in a band with the vacuum cleaner and tennis rackets as their microphones. On Sundays they would religiously follow their mom to church. Cynthia’s mom tried to give her girls everything they needed. Her heart to love others was undeniable and a value that was clearly passed on. Her mother worked tirelessly to keep the family together. Yet, holding a job, getting to as many school events as possible, and managing the home left her weary without energy and often times missing the emotional needs of her children.
Cynthia was not without a father, although at times she prayed he would leave. While he tried to protect his girls, he was following in his father’s footsteps, abuse and alcoholism plagued their family. They all tried to be a “normal” functioning family, but the drinking broke them financially and emotionally. The tables turned when the girls became old enough to protect their mom and the abuse stopped. Her mom managed, her dad battled and Cynthia felt like her emotions were forgotten.
Her Mom managed, her dad battled and Cynthia felt like her emotions were forgotten.
Cynthia began to feel trapped in her home. Gone were the days of oblivion, running wild and free on the barnyard. Her reality now, were days spent in her bedroom listening to her parents fighting. She was trapped in her room, trapped in chaos, trapped in her anger and trapped in her head of emotions she couldn’t understand. Cynthia felt like she had no control. She devised a plan to end it all. Barely a teen she decided she would get the gun, head out to the back woods and take her life. The house was quiet and the time was right. Or at least she thought the time was right. Her mind told her to get up, yet her body would not respond. It was if her body was not hers. This was her moment, this was her escape. But she was bound to the bed with invisible chains. Cynthia knew this was God. She knew it was Him who temporarily paralyzed her body. She tried with all her might but her plan had failed when she was physically unable to get off her bed that night. This wasn’t Cynthia’s only suicide attempt, and it wasn’t the only time God took the control she didn’t have to save her. In fact although she didn’t entirely understand what relationship with Christ meant, she knew He was real and she would continue to lean into Him in times of trouble. After confiding in her parents and asking for help, Cynthia was told they couldn’t afford to get her it. She felt she wasn’t worth it. Feelings of being worthless is something she would continue to battle with for the rest of her life.
Eventually, Cynthia’s dad got sober. It was after a traumatic night that left deep emotional scars from daggers of words. Unfortunately, getting sober wasn’t the answer. She says, “he was a dry drunk, so that was very disappointing and I just decided when I was eighteen I’d leave as soon as I could.” Until then, she was gone as much as possible. Cynthia can remember befriending the new kid at school. She already had a heart for others like her. Kids who felt alone, left out, forgotten and worthless. She ended up satisfying her longings by seeking love in all the wrong places and ways. She worked hard for others approval, she used her looks to get attention and earned her value by doing for others. Promiscuity led to a date rape and only more feelings she didn’t understand. More feelings to stuff down, to build upon the foundation of the walls of lies.
She ended up satisfying her longings by seeking love in all the wrong places and ways.
In Cynthia’s early twenties she met and married the man she was looking for. He was quiet, very passive, gentle and avoided conflict. They had two beautiful children together. Cynthia’s need for control, her belief that she was the only one who could do things right and the lack of trust she put in anybody, especially God, took a toll on their marriage. The husband, who she thought was perfect, didn’t care to work past any conflict or put in any effort. These stubborn walls, without a firm foundation created a rickety marriage. Cynthia reverted back to what she knew and figured she wasn’t worth fighting for. Choices were made, the division became wider and eventually the marriage built on pride and passivity collapsed when Cynthia left. “This was my rock bottom,” said Cynthia. The heaviness of guilt, shame, judgment and failure followed her. Yet at the same time she was also being pursued by another.
“I couldn’t get away from Jesus pursuing me.” Cynthia says. The first woman she met at her kids new school talked a lot about Jesus and gifted her with a Bible. This time, she read it and it was actually making sense! The only radio station that came in at work just happened to be a Christian station. Jesus seemed to be everywhere. He was in books, songs, programs and people. There was no denying, Cynthia was not alone. She hadn’t left her husband without someone pursuing her, God was chasing her down. Looking back Cynthia admits, “His mercy, grace and intense pursuit to have me as His own was and is undeniable.” At this point she didn’t feel like she could trust even herself, but she remembered her mom’s faith and realized that’s all she had left. God was putting a song in her heart. Not receiving the emotional support she needed growing up, Cynthia took it upon herself to understand emotions and her past. She read self-help book upon book. Two of her favorite authors are Lysa Teurkyst and Susie Larson. He used it ALL; the books, co-workers, neighbors and music to call her out of her shame.
“His mercy, grace and intense pursuit to have me as His own was and is undeniable.”
Cynthia
Shortly after moving, she met a single dad directly across from her apt. Their kids took the bus together and they started hanging out. Naturally this brought Cynthia into another relationship. Two wounded, lonely people with hurtful pasts that found comfort in the arms of each other. Cynthia confesses she knew the decisions they made weren’t right, but they felt good in the moment. Five years of dating lead to a marriage in a local catholic church. God continued His pursuit into this next chapter of Cynthia’s life as she felt a tug toward Christ the Rock Community Church. So much changed after attending services there. It felt as if the pastors were speaking directly to her in their messages. The Bible was becoming relevant, she wanted….no, she needed more. She started taking classes at church, she was learning how God had been at work in her life. She joined a small group with Christian women. Their conversations were centered on Christ, they challenged and supported one another. She was getting to know God and getting to know herself better as she did. Cynthia was realizing she could rely on God. “The classes, people, and groups have forever changed how I view what it is like to have a relationship with Jesus.” Little by little she sees herself as God sees her. Little by little she catches glimpses of how her Father in heaven sees her and not how her earthly father treated her. Little by little God breaks her down and she begins to glow in His grace. As God works all things together for her good (Romans 8:28,) He completely rebuilds. Our God is not lazy nor impatient. He doesn’t simply use what He has and build upon it. He takes His time. He tears it down completely and he starts from scratch with a new foundation. As Ecclesiastes says, there is a time to tear down and a time to build. Cynthia’s old doctrine of believing as long as she was a good person and followed the 10 Commandments then it was all good were collapsing. Now that the Bible was becoming clear to her she says, “I realized His living word was living in me!!” This gave her the courage to confront the lies and confidence to walk in her true identity.
Be still and know that I am God
Psalm 46:10
Sounds like the end of the story right? Cynthia thought so too. But, as God prefers to do, He knew there was much more to Cynthia and her story. He loves her way too much to end with …”and they lived happily ever after.” Because through the truth, the Lord intends to set Cynthia free. As John 8:36 says, “So, if the son sets you free you will be free indeed.” About two years ago Cynthia’s eyes were opened to her second husbands adulteries. She desperately wanted to work things out. She wanted to love him like Jesus, she wanted to fight for him unlike her first husband had done for her. She wanted to forgive him and love him at his very worst. And she did. However, God had other plans for her and through her obedience she allowed God to rescue her. Humbly she trusted Him to protect her and her children. As she called out to God with her broken heart she also praised God for who He was to her. “He has broken me down more that I could imagine…….I thought I had already gone through my worst.” Yet God tells her, you are worth unconditional, devoted love. You are too beautiful to me to be misused. I will protect you because you are my daughter. You are my princess, Cynthia. Now, Be Still and know that I am God. I love you just because you are mine. No strings attached. I died for you while you were in your deepest, darkest moment. I held you down on your bed as a child and I am here to rescue you again. I will not allow this man to hurt my precious daughter any longer. Cynthia, you. are. mine. As God’s jealousy for Cynthia permeates her soul, Cynthia gives up control. I will be still Cynthia says with the deepest trust in her Heavenly Father.
Sure, Cynthia still has her days when she struggles with resorting back to her ways of trying to earn God’s love and proving her worth. But, He speaks to her and she catches herself. With a heart of repentance she releases it all back to Him. Her second divorce has recently been finalized and Cynthia is confident she is not alone. The intimacy she has experienced with Jesus fills her completely. She says, “I need to be in His peace and be still so I can hear His prompting, feel His embrace, be calm to see He is doing it in His timing in His way.” Whatever His plan is, it doesn’t matter to Cynthia, what matters is that she is being loved by Him and living a life reflecting His love.
The name Cynthia is of Greek origin meaning “moon goddess.” I couldn’t help but smile when I realized this. Let’s get past the Greek Mythology and call her the “moon princess.” Anyway, you see, the moon shines because the sun shines on it. It cannot and will not shine on its own because it doesn’t produce it’s own light. The moon orbits around the earth; working , doing , sacrificing, spinning yet it only reaches it’s full potential when it reflects the sun. As Cynthia, the moon princess, looks to Jesus the son of God, she is fully known and fully loved. She shines in the dark and she reflects His love. She is fully known and fully loved.
If any of Cynthia’s redemption story resonates with you and you would like to talk or need prayer, please reach out. We are here for you. Cynthia has given me permission to leave her email with you all. Shipley03@gmail.com
Made New Style 